Locked Down

You know what I didn’t need? This movie.

“Locked Down” is positioned as a romance / heist film that’s set in the early weeks of the pandemic. I was drawn to it because I generally like the two stars, Anne Hathaway and Chiwetel Ejiofor, and director Doug Liman is sometimes surprising.

But this film is a disaster. There’s no heist. It’s a series of convenient circumstances and snap decisions. And it is far–far–too soon to show characters struggling with the malaise of quarantine. I don’t want to see buffering Zoom calls and pajama pants.

Worse still, the script is pretentious as hell. Paxton (Ejiofor) “entertains” neighbors by reading poetry. Linda (Hathaway) goes on extended monologues about corporate malfeasance and shadow monsters(?). I can’t go so far as to say the film is full of horrible people, but it’s certainly full of annoying people. And right now, annoying is too much bear.

Inconsistent masking gives me palpitations: I’ll accept that “Locked Down” is set during a time when the specifics of mask wearing were a bit open ended, but these characters take mask ambiguity to an extreme. Sometimes they’re wearing masks outside, but not inside. Sometimes the leads are the only people wearing masks. Sometimes they maintain social distancing but other times they’re way too close. And, worst of all, people cluster in small and poorly ventilated rooms. WHAT ARE THEY DOING? If you have any pandemic phobias, do not watch this film.